Sunday, June 07, 2009
 | Current mood:Metal/Badass Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes I know that you all have been waiting for it…the next installment of the adventures of Kathy and Liz. Well, here it is, our latest of escapades, and how fitting that it takes place at a Decemberists concert. Quickly, lets review the rules: I type in lower case and Kathy types in caps. Are we gonna blog the fuck out of it? Yes we are! Covered in this edition -What you talkin’ bout Ali? -The Decemberists = metal -What? No meat candy? -Glazed ham -Imaginary Colin - Scooters and Fate -KATHY’S SHRINK AND HOW HE’S GONNA CALL THE NC TEACHER’S BOARD ON LIZ. -Are we ashamed?....Disclaimer -Can we ask rhetorical questions and the answer them? Yes we can. -Meat Tenderizer Full Fucking Stop -“I don’t want a restraining order, Kathy” -Sweet Chili Glazed Wings: Liz the Meat Fetishist -The Party in Our Tummies -Equus shoes OK, SO I ADMIT IT. I DON’T GET OUT MUCH ANYMORE. WELL, THE “ANYMORE” IMPLIES THAT THERE ONCE WAS A TIME WHEN I DID GET OUT “MUCH,” BUT, WHATEVER…THE FACT IS, I GET OUT EVEN LESS NOW THAN I EVER USED TO. SO, WHEN I DO, I WANT IT TO COUNT. LIKE, OGLING MAN CANDY IN ASHEVILLE, NC. LIKE GETTING MY RETINAS BURNED BY FREDERICK FUCKING OLMSTEAD. LIKE SEEING DANIEL RADCLIFFE’S DIRTY POTTER. AND, SINCE IT’S JUNE, I GUESS IT MUST BE TIME FOR MY ANNUAL CONCERT. AND, LIKE LAST YEAR, THIS CONCERT INVOLVED THE PRIME PIECE OF MAN CANDY: COLIN MELOY, THIS TIME HEADING FOR THE DECEMBERISTS. As some of you may or may not know, my friend Ali says that I should go to Portland because, “that’s where my people are.” I always took it for a sort of compliment and figured that she meant that I was hip or cool. Well, that’s what I thought until I saw the opening band Blind Pilot up close and personal. After their act, they came out to the t-shirt table to sign stuff. Kathy and I just happened to be purchasing our t-shirts when they arrived. From our seats they looked like nice, normal guys in plaid shirts and scruffy hair. Up close they looked like nice, normal, dirty guys who don’t bathe… well all except the trumpet player. He looked like Kenneth from 30 Rock. Kathy mentioned that they had just finished playing a set on a hot, sweaty stage and that they were touring. While she has a point, I maintain that that wasff a dirt and grime that comes from years of non-bathing and poor hygiene habits. They got me to thinking, “What is Ali really saying about me? Is she saying that I am dirty hippy?”, because I take offense to that. I take baths at least 3 times a week, the other days I shower. You know, she wouldn’t be the first person to “compliment” me and then in the same breath imply that I am a dirty, dirty hippy. Thanks world. Moving on and getting over my hurt ever so delicate feelings, I have to say that the concert R-O-C-K-E-D-! First of all, they played all of their new album and the two guest singers joined them on tour. It was everything I dreamed it could be and more. AND BY MORE, LIZ MEANS, WHETHER SHE REALIZES IT OR NOT, TOTALLY FUCKING METAL. LIKE 2.5 HOURS OF FOG MACHINES. A WOMAN WEARING A WHITE FLOWY DRESS DANCING ON STAGE AND SINGING THE PART OF THE DOOMED HANDMAIDEN. LIKE A SONG WITH 5 DIFFERENT PEOPLE PLAYING DRUMS TO ONE GUITAR PART AND CHANTING. I ASK YOU, DEAR READERS, IF THAT’S NOT METAL, WHAT IS? IT WOULD ONLY HAVE BEEN MORE METAL IF THERE HAD BEEN A GUY ONSTAGE WITH EARS SURGICALLY ALTERED TO LOOK LIKE AN ELF. FOR. REAL. THE DECEMBERISTS ARE NO LONGER, AS DAVE SAYS, THE “SWEATER-VEST-WEARING-INDIE-ROCKERS.” THEY ARE FULL BLOWN ROCK OPERA PERFORMING FOG MACHINE USING SO METAL YOUR EARS FEEL BLEEDY HALFWAY THROUGH THE CONCERT ROCKERS. SO. WHERE DOES THIS LEAVE LIZ, YOU MIGHT WONDER? WELL, I’M HERE TO PROVIDE THE ANSWER. AND BOY OH BOY IS IT A GOOD ONE. SO GOOD, I FOUND MYSELF SMIRKING ALL THE WAY THROUGH THE CONCERT (AND, YES, I ALSO FOUND MYSELF SMIRKING THE WHOLE TIME I LISTENED TO THE ALBUM AT HOME, AFTER LIZ SENT IT TO ME). THERE IS ONLY ONE POSSIBLE OPTION FOR LIZ, NOW THAT SHE IS, AS DOUG LONG FANTASIZED YEARS AGO, A METALHEAD: BACK TATTOO!!!! AND, IF I HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT, IT WILL BE IN ANCIENT GREEK. LIZ OUTRIGHT OBJECTED TO HAVING “HONEY GLAZED HAM [IN ANCIENT GREEK]” TATOOED ON HER BACK, BUT WE ARE ACCEPTING SUGGESTIONS. I WILL DO MY BEST TO TRANSLATE THE WINNER. OH YEAH, AND IN CASE YOU’RE STILL IN DOUBT “METAL? THE DECEMBERISTS?” I WILL TELL YOU ONE LAST PROOF: I BOUGHT A TOUR SHIRT AND IT IS A SKULL WEARING A CROWN. IMAGERY OF DEATH ON A TOUR TSHIRT? THE DECEMBERISTS? METAL? CASE CLOSED! you can sort of see the band here...  fog machine and dancing elves...  Metal musicians in suspenders, yes suspenders, and speaking of the band’s attire… For five minutes before the band took stage Kathy was giddy over the possibilities of seeing Colin’s famous meat candy arms. If you don’t remember, Colin’s arms are as hot as his vocabulary which is pretty damn hot. I tried my best to let her down easy because he usually keeps those babies hidden under long sleeves. When they emerged on the stage I could see in her crest fallen eyes that she was disappointed to see them in olde timie suits. She did point out to me at the end of one song, when the bass player Nate Query took off his coat, that one coat was off. She looked on in anticipation when Colin finally took off his coat, but alas, he was an arm tease only rolling up his sleeve mid-arm. Maybe next time Kathy; maybe next time. SIDE NOTE: AT ONE POINT COLIN REFERRED TO A SONG THEY WERE PERFORMING AS “THE TRUNCATED VERSION.” YES, HE USED THE WORD “TRUNCATED.” THAT HELPED MAKE UP FOR THE WITHHOLDING OF ARM CANDY. A LITTLE. At some point in the night, I don’t remember when, (I have the butt brain from catching a cold from a tiny orange toddler you see, and it has nothing to do with libation.) I referred to Colin as a “Glazed Ham” because he is sweet like a honey glaze, and he is a ham on stage. Har, har, har. It is the perfect progression from meat candy arms to a sweet, succulent honey glazed ham. I am speaking metaphorically here because I don’t eat the ham or the beef. I’m not much of a meat eater. (that’s what she said) This bad glazed ham joke will emerge as a pivotal point in the weekend a little later. SO, THIS WON’T SEEM ALL THAT ORIGINAL TO THOSE OF YOU WHO WATCHED THE DAILY SHOW LAST WEEK (AND SAW WYATT CYNAK’S BIT ABOUT IMAGINARY FRIENDS), BUT WE THOUGHT IT WAS HILARIOUS. LIZ AND I DECIDED THAT SINCE WE HAD AN EXTRA TICKET THAT, FOOLISHLY, NO ONE WOULD TAKE FROM US, WE WOULD CREATE AN EFFIGY OF COLIN TO SIT NEXT TO US THROUGHOUT THE CONCERT. SADLY, BECAUSE OF POOR LIGHTING IN THE CONCERT HALL, WE WERE UNABLE TO GET ANY PICTURES OF THE FAKE-MAN HIMSELF FOR YOU, DEAR READERS, BUT REST ASSURED, WE MADE FULL USE OF THAT OTHERWISE WASTED SEAT. AT FIRST, LIZ AND I SAT WITH IMAGINARY COLIN BETWEEN US. BUT THEN, AFTER THE OPENING BAND, LIZ AND I SAT NEXT TO EACH OTHER, SO THAT WE COULD BETTER HEAR EACH OTHER’S DIRTY COMMENTS ON THE OCCURRENCES ONSTAGE. Also, a couple came and sat in the row in front of me. Of course the super tall boyfriend sat in front of the five foot three shorty. Not missing an opportunity to mention the fact that I am vertically challenged, Kathy said, “ You knew it was bound to happen my short friend; you knew it was bound to happen.” THEN, TWO LATECOMERS SHOWED UP, AND ONE OF THEM SAT ON TOP OF FAKE COLIN! SINCE I HAVE NO COMPUNCTION AND I AM NOW SURELY A “MASSHOLE,” I LOOKED RIGHT AT THE KID AND SAID, “THAT SEAT IS OURS, TOO.” I IMMEDIATELY FELT SILLY, UNTIL LIZ POINTED OUT TO ME THAT WE NEEDED THAT SEAT FOR FAKE COLIN, AND THAT COLIN DIDN’T LIKE BEING SAT ON. SUCH IS THE SLY SNEAKYNESS OF MISS LIZZY POOH, THAT I DIDN’T EVEN REALIZE THAT SHE WAS HOARDING FAKE COLIN UNTIL THE BOYS LEFT (EARLY. THE ONES WHO WERE LATE. SERIOUSLY. WHY WERE THEY THERE?) AND I TOLD HER HOW GUILTY I FELT. THEN SHE POINTED OUT HOW HAPPY SHE WAS TO HAVE FAKE COLIN ALL TO HERSELF. ALL THE WHILE I WAS JUST SITTING THERE WISHING AND HOPING THAT REAL COLIN WOULD CROWD SURF HIS WAY OUT TO ROW K. A Recreation of Imaginary Colin  Kathy with Imaginary Colin  Imaginary Colin's Ticket & Signature  To be serious for a second, and I promise only a second. The concert fucking rocked!!!! The Decemberists played all of their new album, took a break, played a second full set, and then played one hell of an encore. They played for 2.5 hours. Hells Yeah! If you get a chance, you MUST go and see them on this tour. It is clear that they are having a great time, and it is a great show and worth the drive or money. Back to the story…Kathy enjoyed the concert so much that as soon as we got out of the show Kathy vowed to go to the concert in Boston next week. When we got home, we went directly to the computer to purchase her ticket. I cannot go even though I was already planning to visit Kathy in a few weeks because the concert is two days before I get out for summer break. Stupid work ethic and sense of responsibility!!! I blame my mother. Anyway, while on the band’s webpage, Kathy and I found a t-shirt with a scooter on it. We thought, “How odd. What do scooters have to do with anything?” The next afternoon on our daily wandering Kathy noticed scooters parked in various places. She asked me what was with all of the scooters everywhere. I have never noticed a plethora of scooters in the Cary/Apex area, and was unable to give her an answer. As it turned out, these mystery scooters were a sign from the great Decemberisty Gods from above. We saw the scooter below parked beside a Honey Baked Ham store. Thus the mystery of the scooter t-shirts was answered, and proof that Colin knows he is meat candy. Honey Baked Scooter  Mmmm.... a sign from above....honey glazed ham next to a scooter.  The first scooter sighting  Let me start off Kathy’s next part of the story by saying that The Hazards of Love, their new album, is a “folk opera”. (Colin’s description not mine) It has big words and obscure references. I have gifted this album to several people with specific instructions to read the lyrics on the first listening. There are different speaking parts and Colin sings all of them but the two female parts. This can make for a confusing listening experience thus the explicit instructions. I even print off the lyrics with notes explaining all of the obscure references and defining the big words. People should always listen to Liz. YES, I REALLY SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO LIZ. ‘CAUSE HERE’S WHAT HAPPENED: MY ITUNES CRASHED WHILE DOWNLOADING THE ALBUM, AND THE SONGS GOT ALL OUT OF ORDER. SO, AT THE RISK OF LIZ’S IRE, I WILL TELL YOU A ROUGH OUTLINE OF THE FOLK OPERA: GIRL SAVES FAWN, FAWN TURNS INTO MAN, GIRL FALLS IN LOVE WITH MAN, EVIL MAN KIDNAPS GIRL, LOVER-MAN RETURNS, RESCUES GIRL AND THEN THEY BOTH DIE. AND SOMEWHERE IN THERE, THERE’S AN EVIL QUEEN. IT’S NOT REALLY A FEEL-GOOD STORY. BUT IT DOES MAKE FOR SOME KICK-ASS METAL. BUT WHAT HAPPENED WAS THAT MY ITUNES PUT THE SONGS IN THE WRONG ORDER, AND THE FIRST SONG I HEARD WAS “THE RAKE’S SONG.” THIS IS THE SONG SUNG BY THE EVIL MAN, IN ORDER TO ESTABLISH HOW EVIL HE IS. SO, HE SINGS THIS SONG ABOUT HOW HE HAD THIS WIFE HE LOVED AND THEY HAD TONS OF KIDS AND THEN SHE DIES IN CHILDBIRTH AND THEN HE GETS SICK OF THE KIDS AND KILLS THEM ALL. AND HE DESCRIBES HOW HE DOES IT. FAND THEN, LATER THE KIDS COME BACK AND SING A SONG ABOUT HOW HE’S KILLING THEM. AND, IN THE WHOLE ALBUM, THE LYRICS TO THESE TWO SONGS ARE THE MOST DISTINCT, SO, EVEN THOUGH I LISTENED TO THE OTHER SONGS ON THE ALBUM (OUT OF ORDER) I SORT OF MADE THEM ALL FIT WITH THIS IDEA I HAD GOTTEN OF THE FOLK OPERA BEING ABOUT A MAN KILLING ALL HIS KIDS. I THOUGHT IT WAS KIND OF PERVERSE, AND I WONDERED TO WHAT LENGTHS LIZ’S LOVE FOR THE DECEMBERISTS WOULD GO, BUT, HEY, THE MUSIC WAS KICK ASS, SO WHAT’S A LITTLE FICTIONAL INFANTICIDE, AS LONG AS LIZ THINKS IT’S OK, RIGHT? AND WHEN MY SHRINK ASKED WHY I WAS FLYING TO NC, AND I TOLD HIM, “TO GO TO A CONCERT,” HE THEN ASKED ABOUT THE BAND. SO I TOLD HIM WHAT I THOUGHT THE ALBUM WAS ABOUT, AND HE ASKS, “AND SHE’S A TEACHER???” ABOUT LIZ. I HAVE ALREADY PROMISED TO CORRECT MY MISREPRESENTATIONS. ALL THIS BECAUSE I DIDN’T FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS. I AM A BAD STUDENT. BAD STUDENT. BAD. The order in which Kathy listened to the album creates a very creepy and disturbing story and it doesn’t make sense. I really couldn’t figure out why Kathy’s shrink was so disturbed by my excitement for the album, and why Kathy kept making comments as to the disturbing nature of the songs. I figured Kathy was a lot more sensitive than I had thought, and began to question her claims of being “metal” and “bad ass”. All became clear when between sets she asked me why they would play the album out of order. Are We Ashamed?: Disclaimer Some might wonder if I am ashamed or worried that in my disillusioned imagination Colin Meloy might read our objectification of him. The answer is yes, yes I am, but it is my hope that in a snowball’s chance in hell if he did read it, he would be amused by our creation of such terms as “meat candy” and “Juicy Jaw”. It is my hope that his love of words will override his disgust of our turning him into a meaty sexual object. Are we worried that Colin’s wife might read this blog and be offended that we are writing so graphically about her husband’s sweet, sweet arms? Not really. We figure that she’s the one who drew the scooter t-shirt, and thus knows how meaty her hubby is. We think that she will feel pleased that she is the one in sole possession of said meat candy. As both of them will be pleased by this post, it will bring them closer together as a couple. Are we strengthening a marriage? Yes we are! Are we pleased with ourselves? Indubitably! SO, WE NEEDED TO REPLENISH LIBATIONS, AND WE HEADED TO KROGER. AS WE WANDERED AROUND KROGER LOOKING FOR THE ELUSIVE MAGICAL TOOL THE WINE KEY, I JUST STARTED NAMING THINGS WE WERE PASSING BY. “FABRIC SOFTENER,” “RED BULL,” “SUPPOSITORIES,” AND THEN…AND THEN…”MEAT TENDERIZER.” AND, HOLY SHIT. THERE IT WAS. THE ELUSIVE WINE KEY. AND ALL I COULD SEE WAS THE WINE KEY. I WAS SO DISTRACTED BY FINDING OUR ELUSIVE QUARRY THAT I FAILED TO NOTICE ONE MISS LIZZY POOH DOUBLED OVER WITH LAUGHTER BECAUSE WE WERE STANDING NEXT TO A VERITABLE PYRAMID OF MEAT TENDERIZER. HOW COULD WE HAVE FAILED TO CONSIDER THIS? WHY OH WHY DIDN’T WE BUY IT? EVEN AS WE WALKED OUT OF THE KROGER, BILTMORE WINE IN ARMS, LIZ WAS SAYING, “SHOULD WE GO BACK? SHOULD WE GO GET IT?” “WHAT?” “THE MEAT TENDERIZER!!” “OH, OH, NO LIZ, THAT MEAT’S ALREADY TENDER.” LITTLE DID WE REALIZE THAT ONCE ONE HAS MEAT ON THE BRAIN, IT IS AN INTOXICATING CONCEPT. WE WENT TO CHILI’S FOR MARGARITAS AND DINNER. AND WHAT DID LIZ ORDER? HOW COULD IT BE OTHERWISE? SHE HAD THE SWEET CHILI GLAZED NUGGETS (BONELESS WINGS). AS LIZ GIGGLED AWAY, I TEASED HER WITH THE PROSPECT OF RETURNING TO KROGER TO MOLEST THEIR HAMS. “IF YOU WANT THE MEAT TENDERIZER SO BADLY, WHY DON’T WE JUST GO BACK AND GET IT? WHY DON’T WE GO GET THE MEAT TENDERIZER AND A HAM AND GET SOME PICTURES OF YOU RUBBING IT IN?” TO WHICH OUR ESTEEMED SHAPER OF YOUNG MINDS REPLIED, “I DON’T WANT A RESTRAINING ORDER FROM COLIN, KATHY.” TO WHICH I IMMEDIATELY REPLIED, “I THINK IT’S A RESTRAINING ORDER FROM KROGER YOU HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT, LIZ.” I ALSO NEED TO MENTION HERE THE CHILDISH DELIGHT I TAKE IN NEAR-VEGETARIAN LIZ’S NEWFOUND MEAT FETISH. I MEAN, HONEY GLAZED HAM, MEAT TENDERIZER, SWEET CHILI GLAZED CHICKEN…AS LONG AS IT’S COVERED IN SWEET CANDIED GOODNESS AND IT ONCE USED TO BE LIVING, LIZ NOW SEEMS TO BE OBSESSED WITH IT. SCORE ONE FOR ME AND TED NUGENT. In the purpose of full disclosure, Kathy-Wathy and I felt that in order to fully capture this weekend’s events we should tell you about having a party in our tummies. (See Yo Gabba Gabba!) This included margaritas, nachos, and honey glazed wings. Unfortunately for Kathy, her Panera Samich from lunch stayed far too long at the party, and she was tasting it all day. I think that the meat candy probably enjoyed the margarita, vodka, and Biltmore wine because when we throw a party, man do we throw a party. Party My Tummy  Now….Let us travel back in time to September 2008. If you recall, the last time Kathy-Wathy and I blogged together we were looking forward to seeing Daniel Radcliff’s Harry Potter. Do you remember gentle reader? Good. Now come on back to the present. Kathy and I were in search of ridiculous shoes, and I have to say that we were quite successful in this venture. We found $126.00 Michael Kors shoes that when worn make one look and walks like a horse/actor from Equus. Of course we photographed ourselves in them for you faithful reader. Just so you know how dedicated we are to you, we forged through the throng of DSW employees to take pictures. I swear the shoes were bugged because each time we touched them some shoe seller would appear like magic to ask if we needed help and to watch our every move. Equus Shoes not to be confused w/ X-mas Shoes  I think that’s about it. We hope that you have enjoyed our latest adventures, and if you haven’t who cares because we sure have entertained ourselves!
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