Saturday, April 12, 2008
 | Current mood:  cantankerous Category: Travel and Places so were did we leave off last night?......it is all sooooooooo hazy. the following were promised and we didn't get to them... -daniel radcliffe's harry potter -the huddle house -juicy jaw we will also be covering the following in this blog entry... -the long and winding road (with a hangover from hell) -retina burning tulips -we listened the fuck out of that audio tour -fuck you fucking olmsted -confirmed bachelor -fucking olmsted tries to kill us -rape tunnel -the true definition of irony......as personified by liz, kathy, and mother fucking olmsted -p.s......how does anderson cooper fit into this family???? o.k.....so when looking for food last night on our quite unproductive search for food, kathy and i came across a waffle house rip off the huddle house. we seriously considered going there over tgi friday's. in the end we decided that the huddle house was not a place one should go after dark...it is best visited in the daytime....today we discovered that it is also a place you don't visit during the day because the huddle house is the sort of place you only want to eat at in the middle of the night.....quite the catch-22. LIZ FORGOT TO MENTION THAT ONE OF THE FACTORS CONTRIBUTING TO ITS CREEPINESS WAS THE SOUPED-UP LOOKING AMBULANCE PARKED OUTSIDE. SO, THE JUICY JAW: THIS IS MORE A FOOTNOTE TO YESTERDAY'S ODE TO COLIN MELOY'S BICEPS. DID WE ALSO MENTION THAT, IN ADDITION TO SUPERSEXYROCKSTAR ARMS, THE MAN ALSO HAD QUITE A LOVELY JAW? IT WAS ESPECIALLY NOTICEABLE WHEN HE SET HIS JAW AS HE HELD OUT THE NOTE AT THE END OF A VERSE. MMMMM. another note about last night and the concert......because i forced kathy to resort back to smoking by making relive her youth on the way to asheville, i was carrying her cigarettes in my purse. thus, every time i looked into my purse i had this thought...."cigarettes?...wait, i don't smoke." here is a picture of kathy reenacting my surprise.....and let me tell you, i had that reaction the entire night....even after the concert when we got diner and when we got back to the hotel.  here a picture of kathy-wathy looking proud of her brilliant plan to keep our drinks could. mind you, at this point in the night, we had not yet been drinking.  OH, AND THERE'S THIS OTHER DETAIL THAT WILL BECOME IMPORTANT LATER, WHEN WE TELL YOU ALL ABOUT HOW FREDERICK LAW OLMSTEAD FUCKED US OVER. AFTER HIS REGULAR SET, WHEN COLIN CAME OUT FOR HIS ENCORE, SOME DRUNK GIRL UP FRONT PASSED OUT. SO, BEFORE HE COULD SING HIS REMAINING SONGS, COLIN HAD TO CALL FOR "SECURITY" (QUITE A JOKE IF YOU REMEMBER THAT WE WERE IN A HIPPY CLUB IN ASHEVILLE, NC), NEEDLESS TO SAY, "SECURITY" WAS A LOOONG TIME COMING, AND COLIN HAD TO SINGLE-ARM-EDLY SHINE A FLASHLIGHT DOWN ON THE AREA WHERE SHE HAD FALLEN, UNTIL THEY RAISED THE HOUSE LIGHTS AND SOME PEOPLE MADE SPACE FOR HER. THE LONG AND WINDING ROAD, OR THE FIRST HINT THAT OLMSTEAD WAS AGAINST US: SO, AS I'M SURE ALL OF YOU WHO READ YESTERDAY'S ENTRY WILL NOT BE SURPRISED TO LEARN, MISS LIZZIE-POO AND I HAD SOME WRETCHED HANGOVERS THIS MORNING, ESPECIALLY AFTER HAVING TO GET UP SUPEREARLY TO ORDER THE DANIEL RADCLIFFE THEATER TICKETS. SERIOUSLY. THE HANGOVER WAS SO BAD, AND MY BLOOD SUGAR SO LOW THAT ALMOST AS SOON AS WE GOT IN THE CAR, I HAD TO ASK LIZ TO STOP AT MC-FRIGGIN-DONALD'S SO I COULD GET SOME FOOD IN MY STOMACH. IT WAS JUST SOMETHING VERY LITTLE SO IT WOULDN'T RUIN LUNCH, BUT IT TOOK THE RAZOR SHARP EDGE OFF MY HUNGER, SO THAT WE COULD GET TO THE BILTMORE ESTATE WITHOUT ME TRYING TO KILL LIZ FOR FOOD AS SHE DROVE. SO, WE GET TO THE ENTRANCE TO THE BILTMORE ESTATE, AND IT'S PRETTY. YEAH, THE LANDSCAPING WAS SUPER NICE...BAMBOO GROVES AND ALL SORTS OF LUSH FLORA. THERE WERE CREEKS AND BRIDGES, PATHS, AND ALL SORTS OF DIFFERENT GROUPINGS OF PLANTS...SERIOUSLY, EVERY TIME WE TURNED A CURVE, THERE WAS SOMETHING DIFFERENT (WHICH WE LATER LEARNED ON THE AUDIO TOUR, WAS TOTALLY INTENTIONAL, BUT WHATEVER). AND BOY, OH, BOY WERE THERE CURVES APLENTY. THE FRIGGIN FRONT DRIVE WAS ABOUT 3 MILES LONG. THREE LONG, CURVY MILES. AT A SPEED LIMIT OF 30 MILES PER HOUR...ONLY THE ASSHOLE IN FRONT OF US WOULDN'T GO OVER 20. AND JESUS, WHEN WE GOT TO THE 5 MPH CURVE, LIZ AND I SHOUTED EXPLETIVES (SHOCK), AND THE FRIGGIN ASSHOLE IN FRONT OF US, LIKE STOPPED. BUT, FOR REAL, BEFORE WE WERE EVEN LIKE 1/4 MILE DOWN THE DRIVE WAY, LIZ AND I WERE ABOUT TO VOMIT. EVERY CURVE MADE US MORE NAUSEATED. ALL OF THIS, AND WE WERE NOT EVEN AT THE ESTATE YET. yes, oh, that road gave new meaning to the song "long and winding road"....which i told kathy that the song was written about that particular road...she believed me for a moment...he he he he. i am going to digress for a moment....back to the tickets that we had to get up to order. guess whose going to see equus this fall? that's right we are.....this brings to me to the fact that we are going to see daniel radcliffe's "harry potter" ha ha ha ha. i have been cracking myself up with that joke for 2 days....which made me wonder if he uses that as a pick up line..."well hello ladies, would you like to see my harry potter?" JUST ANOTHER FOOT NOTE HERE: LAST NIGHT, WHEN MISS LIZZIE-POO WAS, UM, SLIGHTLY INEBRIATED, AND WE WERE ON THE PHONE WITH THE BANSTET, LITTLE MISS LIZZIE-POO CRACKED HERSELF UP SO HARD SHE ALMOST ROLLED OFF THE BED. AFTER SHE HAD FINALLY SHARED WITH MRS. BANSY THE "SEE HIS HARRY POTTER" JOKE, LIZ JUST COULDN'T HELP HERSELF, AND SHE HAD TO go there: "MAYBE RUPERT GRINT LIKES TO ASK PEOPLE TO SEE HIS RONALD WEASLEY" AND AFTER SHE HAD CALMED HERSELF DOWN FROM THAT ONE...IT WAS ON TO THE LAST OF THE THREE NOW FILTHIFIED FORMERLY CHILD ACTORS. (JUST A NOTE HERE: AS I READ THIS SECTION TO HER JUST NOW, SHE ALMOST FELL OFF THE BED again, JUST HEARING WHAT I WROTE) i have said it before and i will maintain that j.k. rowling makes it soooo easy for us to make these sort of jokes that she wants us to make them.....i am only fulfilling her hopes and dreams. so...as we are driving up the longest windingest road the world has ever known, we pass some of the "festival of flowers" tulips and kathy says "oh god, those flowers are too fucking bright......oh god! they are burning my retinas." they were offensively bright. we park and walk to the estate which was supposed to take us something like 8 minutes. in actuality it only takes 3 or 4. LATER WHEN WE WERE CHECKING THE MAP TO SEE HOW FAR THE CONSERVATORY WAS FROM THE MAIN HOUSE, WE SAW THIS: DISTANCE TO CONSERVATORY: 1/4 MILE (ABOUT 20 MINUTE WALK). I COMMENTED TO LIZ THAT, NOT EVEN IN MY MOST UNFIT, SMOKING A PACK OF CIGARETTES A DAY SUPER OVERWEIGHT HIGH SCHOOL DAYS, WHEN I WAS FORCED TO RUN THE MILE, AND THEN INTENTIONALLY WALKED/WENT AS SLOWLY AS POSSIBLE TO MISS AS MUCH OF THE FOLLOWING CLASS AS POSSIBLE, NEVER DID IT TAKE MORE THAN 20 MINUTES TO "RUN" THE MILE. SO, LIZ AND I WERE SMUGLY MOCKING THE DISTANCE MEASUREMENTS. LITTLE DID WE REALIZE HOW OUR SMUG MOCKERY WOULD COME BACK TO BITE US IN THE ASS, IN THE FORM OF "REVENGE OF THE OLMSTEAD" enjoy this picture to the retina burning flora  here is a photo of the house eight long minutes away...har har har  now to the audio tour story....kathy can tell it better than me because she experienced the funny part of this and not me. OK, SO I KNOW MOST IF NOT ALL OF YOU ARE AWARE OF THE BLOG "STUFF WHITE PEOPLE LIKE." I'M NOT SURE IF "AUDIO TOURS" IS ON THERE, BUT, IF NOT, IT SHOULD BE. SO, NEITHER LIZ NOR I ARE "AUDIO TOUR-TYPES," BUT THE TICKETS CAME WITH THE PACKAGE WE GOT FROM THE MOTEL, SO WE BOTH JUST PICKED THEM UP. AND, AFTER ONLY ONE DAMN ROOM (OUT OF OVER 60 ON THE WHOLE TOUR), THIS BLACK GUY KIND OF CUTS ME OFF, AND BRINGS HIS GIRLFRIEND AROUND ME, AND THEN LOOKS AT ME (AS IF I COULDN'T SEE OR HEAR HIM JUST BECAUSE I HAD ON FRIGGIN HEADPHONES...WHICH AT THAT MOMENT HAPPENED NOT TO HAVE ANYTHING PLAYING ON THEM ANYWAY), AND POINTS ME OUT TO HIS GIRLFRIEND, AND SAYS, "MAN THESE WHITE PEOPLE ARE REALLY INTO THEIR AUDIO TOURS." AS I'M STANDING THERE LOOKING. RIGHT. AT. HIM. IT WAS VERY STRANGE. AND THEN OF COURSE I BECAME NOT ONLY SELF CONSCIOUS, BUT CONSCIOUS OF EVERY PERSON ON THE TOUR WHO DID OR DID NOT HAVE AN AUDIO TOUR. AND, I HAVE TO SAY, THE MAN DID MAKE AN ACCURATE OBSERVATION. OVERWHELMINGLY, THE ONLY PARTAKERS OF THE AUDIO TOUR were WHITE. INCLUDING ONE COUPLE OF A WHITE WOMAN AND A BLACK MAN...ONLY SHE HAD THE AUDIO TOUR. on the audio tour, kathy-wathy and i learned a lot...for example, we learned or theorized that mr. george w. biltmore is what you might call a "confirmed bachelor". we came to this realization when gazing at painting across a room. at the same time, we both thought "that guy in the painting looks super gay".....when we turned back on the audio tour we learned that the man was in fact mr. biltmore. now i know you are saying "liz, biltmore was married and had a daughter" well i say to you sir or madam, that might be the case but he also only had one child, he and his wife had separate bed rooms....we saw them....and how would you explain his ever so close "working relationships" with richard morris hunt (the biltmore architect) and fredrick fucking olmsted? after the ever so enlightening audio tour, kathy-wathy decided to give those retina burning flowers another chance and check out the conservitory. this is when we came to realize the true evil that is fredrick law olmsted. all we wanted to do was check out the flora and fauna...or.."flauna" of the biltmore estate. all we wanted to do was see the garden and the bass pond...but that fucking fuckity fuck olmsted had another idea in mind....torture....as we walked farther and farther into the garden looking for the bass pond, we noticed that we were walking down hill and that would have to walk back up hill to get back to the car. but just like last nights realization that asheville is a food tease, we realized too late that olmsted is a bass pond tease....did we mention that fredrick law olmsted was the landscaper? (you might have heard of this other project he designed? NYC's Central Park?) we turned back before we got to the bass pond....and kathy decided that it would be a great idea to power walk back to the car and that it would be shorter walk to follow a meandering path back to the car. (OK, LIZ, BLAME THE FUCK OUT OF ME, WHATEVER. I DIDN'T HEAR YOU SUGGESTING ANY OTHER PLAN AT THE TIME!!) well, much like olmsted's long and winding road to the estate, his paths are also long and winding and up hill. we thought that we were going to collapse from exhaustion.....and the colin meloy would have to come and hold a flash light over us to alert the staff that there were two hikers down. we walked and walked and curved and curved and there was still no parking lot. here is a photo of what kathy so eloquently called "hay turds"  I DID COMMENT ONCE OR TWICE THAT I THOUGHT IT WAS A BAD SIGN THAT ALL OF THE PATH DIRECTIONAL SIGNS POINTED THE SAME WAY FOR "BILTMORE MANSION" AND "PARKING LOT." (BECAUSE WE THOUGHT WE WERE IN A POSITION WHERE WE WOULD HAVE HAD THE MANSION ON THE LEFT, AND THE PARKING LOTS ON THE RIGHT). SO, AS WE ARE SERIOUSLY BASICALLY WALKING IN GIANT, SLOPED FUCKING CIRCLES (ALBEIT VERY PRETTY AND WELL-LANDSCAPED CIRCLES, COMPLETE WITH SIGNS IDENTIFYING ALL THE FLORA), WE ARE SERIOUSLY CURSING FREDERICK LAW OLMSTEAD--INCLUDING SHAKING FISTS RAISED TO THE SKY. AND THEN. AND. THEN. SOMETHING FLIES TOWARD US OUT OF THE SKY. FUCKING OLMSTEAD DECIDES TO GET US BACK. HE HURLS TREE DEBRIS AT US FROM UP ON HIGH. FORTUNATELY, THE SPIRIT OF THE RECENTLY INVOKED MR. MELOY SAVES THE DAY BY KNOCKING THE TREE-MISSLE OFF OF ITS TRAJECTORY, AND IT FALLS TO THE PATH IN FRONT OF OUR FEET. AND THEN WE TURN (YET ANOTHER) CORNER ON THE PATH, AND THERE IS A WHOLE NEW OLMSTEADIAN OBSTACLE: THE RAPE TUNNEL. AT THAT POINT, LIZ AND I JUST STOPPED. WE HAD NARROWLY AVOIDED ATTACK FROM THE FAUNA RUSTLING IN THE UNDERBRUSH, STAVED OFF DEATH BY MISSLE ATTACK FROM ABOVE, AND NOW THIS. NOW THIS FUCKER, THOUGH DEAD FOR YEARS, WANTED US TO WALK THROUGH A RAPE TUNNEL. SO, LIZ DID THE ONLY THING ONE CAN DO IN SUCH A SITUATION: SHE GOT OUT HER CAMERA AND TOOK PICTURES. AND THEN WE REALIZED THAT, SINCE IT WAS SO EFFING LATE, WE WERE PROBABLY THE ONLY PEOPLE LEFT ON THE GROUNDS, SO WE COULD RUN QUICKLY TO THE (RELATIVE) SAFETY ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE TUNNEL. AND SO WE DID. IT WAS MERELY ANOTHER 15 MINUTES FROM THAT POINT BEFORE WE GOT TO THE CAR. AND, IT TURNED OUT THAT WITH ALL OUR WANDERING AND "SHORTCUTS," WE FINALLY GOT BACK ON PATH AT THE EXACT SAME PLACE WE HAD ENTERED FROM HOURS AND HOURS PREVIOUS. the olmsted tree of death  if you look at the center of this shot and see the bit of green back, you will be looking at what olmsted tried to empale us with....the fucking bastard...nature is supposed to be relaxing...not deadly.  the rape tunnel....  it is at this point in our day that kathy and i came realize the true meaning of irony....and if you ever visit the biltmore estate you might want remember this little nugget of wisdom. we finally make bake to the car and begin following the signs to exit the estate. it is not long into the once again ever so curvy drive that we realize that we are fucking driving past every mother fucking thing that we had spent the last hour walking past. that's right people that bastard olmsted had yet another fuck you in store for us. all of or walking was double for not because you don't need to walk through the garden....i will reiterate this because we can not stress this to you enough faithful readers...you drive past all of it on your way out!!!!!!! i will tell you this....we did find the fucking bass pond....about five minutes into our drive out. i don't think i need to tell you that kathy and i took one last opportunity to curse that bastard of a landscaper olmsted. i'm not sure how to end this blog entry....kathy-wathy and i hope that you have enjoyed reading about our misadventures. here is a picture of the towels...this is just for you karen....because you like to make towel monkeys...  |
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