The Life and Times of the BFB

Dear Gracious Reader,

The regular rules do not apply to the following blog post. (When Kathy-Wathy and I are usually blogging together, I will type as normal and Kathy-Wathy’s words will be in all caps.)  The list below is a brainstorm of epic proportions compiled throughout the day… So read on, dear reader…

We never ever thought that our lives would be in danger at a Decemberists’ concert.  We have seen The Rolling Stones, been to an Ozzfest, and listened to a Bob Dylan concert in person, and yet it was at a Decemerists’ concert where for the first time we thought a brawl would actually erupt. One would expect to be putting his/her life at stake attending the first three events, but the last place we ever expected to be in mortal peril would be at a show featuring the band who penned such songs as “The Chimbley Sweep” and “My Mother Was a Chinese Trapeze Artist.” 

It all started with the opening band Best Coast.  They would have really been popular in the days of Hole and Courtney Love.  This major douche bag sitting in the row right in front of us got really pissed off when at least four rows in front of him some people were standing up talking.  Picture a brunet man about the same size and shape as The Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons only greasier and more foul smelling. He began yelling at the people to “sit the fuck down.”  Then, he began throwing things at them.  Everyone felt very awkward as this major douche threw a massive hissy-fit.  Someone from the concert venue actually had to talk to him about his behavior.  The people around him tried to point out his flawed logic and suggested that he might be over reacting.  This lead to “Mr. Douche Baggary” pouting for the whole of The Decemberists’ concert and refusing to stand, although everyone else in the venue was standing and enjoying the meat-candy that is one Mr. Colin Meloy.  It should be noted that Colin encouraged standing, jumping, and chair shaking.

This led us to wonder what life circumstances would lead a grown man to pout for the whole of a concert.  What follows below is what we affectionately call, “The Life and Times of the BFB… Big Fucking Baby.”

BFB LIFE STORY

-the two women with him at The Decemberists’ concert were actually his mom and sister

-lives with his mom, Bernice (“Just call me Bernie”) and stepdad, Ken. 

-real dad, Gene, lives in Cumberland, MD

-gets super pissed when Ken enters his basement layer without permission

-takes it personally that The Decemberists' limited edition poster for their Raleigh show actually listed the location as Raleigh Amphitheater in Cumberland, MD

-pissed to miss summer finale of Dr Who in order to see Decemberists

-wanted Decemberists to sing every song from "Picaresque" (especially "Eli the Barrow Boy")

-chip on his shoulder about how "Lost" ended

-still in shock over Jar Jar Binks

-is Team Jacob

-hated “Wolverine”

-saw all “Matrix” movies, and is pissed that the last one sucked

-pissed that Anna Paquin is no longer in “X-Men” and resents “True Blood” for taking her away.

-unsatisfied with “True Blood’s” explanation of Vampire day walkers

-takes issue with fact that JK Rowling came out after the fact saying Dumbledore was gay when clearly there was sexual tension with McGonogle

-feels Leonard Nimoy has never gotten credit he deserves as an artist because his reputation is sullied by Shatner's Priceline commercials and being in “Shit My Dad Says”

-unsatisfied by Twitter presence of his favorite comic book artists

-Dungeons & Dragons cloak ruined by dry cleaner, no longer fits, nothing to do with weight gain

-all the damsels at last Mideval Fair were mooning over that stupid show-off Lancelot

-Resents that "Queer Eye For the Straight Guy" never actually helped him get a chick

-wants to write Gilmore Girls fan fiction, disappointed in the lack of interest in this by the fan base

-banned from role play tweeting as John Locke

-pissed that sister ruined end of "Gilmore Girls" for him

-resents Obama wanted to see Osama death pics

-hates those Columbine douches for making it so he couldn't bring his kitana blade to school

-entire comic book collection only thing ruined by flood in basement

-is embarrassed when he has to drive Ken's Mercedes suv to meet eharmony dates at the Subway

-why do online romances always go awry when he mentions living with parents?

-plays Second Life, has an alt who is a furry

-in order to impress women he always breaks out his "realistic British accent"

-suspects his therapist doesn't take him seriously

-secretly watches “Sex and the City” when everyone's asleep. Thinks of himself as a “Samantha”

-suspects his mother no longer "accidentally" walks in when he is masturbating

-Aleksander Skaarsgard and Maksim Chmerkovsky are only men allowed in his spank bank

-identified with the shut in hacker in “Girl with Dragon Tattoo” series...thought Lisbeth should have ended up with him, instead of pining away for that “Calle fucking Blomqvist.”

-spank bank totally wiped out by Sony playstation hacking. Takes this personally

-thinks Stephen King is a sellout

-"totally got bombed" on some parsley someone sold him in high school. This is the extent of his drug experience

-used to identify with Danny in New Kids on the Block in elementary school

-thinks Jordan Catalano was a complete douche bag, identified with Brian Krakow.

-personally offended by James Franco

-watched one episode of “Freaks and Geeks.” Didn't get what the fuss was about.

-"What's Judd Apatow got that I haven't got?"

-drink of choice: Bartles & James

-wants own car simply so he can have vanity plate: Frak U

-has been to a furry convention

-speaks Klingon. Fluently.

-his Second Life avatar (main) is a pro wrestler

-he has dreams of joining his local semi pro wrestling league but is embarrassed by thick hair all over his body

-once attempted self-depilation with Nair and Nads, which only resulted in his pillaging of the family first aid kit and some permanent scarring

-his father’s nickname for him: "Meat"

-had never forgiven Kevin Smith for "Chasing Amy"

-thinks Ted Nugent "has some right on ideas"

-can't get over his failure to locate any Native Americans in his genealogy

-dies a little bit each time his sister's friends laugh at his wolf t-shirt

-only drinks Tuscan Whole Milk

-tries with all his might to groom facial hair into interesting shapes

-has a pet chinchilla named Wookie. It attacks him every time he tries to feed it

-when he was in kindergarten he got in trouble for telling the other kids the truth about Santa

-Stan Lee blew him off at Comicon

-will never get over The Decemberists’ failure to grant him a backstage pass

-would like a brand. Is afraid he would cry too much.

-instead likes to talk about elaborate body art he has planned. "the truth is out there." in Klingon.

-never got over David Ducovny's leaving "The X Files"

-is still a little afraid of the dark

-can't watch "Twin Peaks" alone, but has no friends so he just can't watch it unless his mom and sister are around.

-thinks he discovered putting mentos in soda 2 liters

-always insists on spelling things that end in -er with an -re cause that's how the British do it

-has seen "Braveheart" 100 plus times, feels sorry for Mel Gibson

-he always cries (in a good way!) at the end of "Dirty Dancing"

-feels self righteous that when he goes to the movies, he's the only one who stays till the end of the credits every time

-is a movie talker. Even though he has nobody to go to the movies with except his mom and his sister

-can't understand why nobody respects Cliff Claven

-still maintains Cliff should have gotten his own show instead of Fraser

-has a job delivering newspapers to stores and vending machines

-can't decide, and it keeps him up at night, which of Dr Who's companions is hotter: Amy Pond or Rose Tyler

-hates Matthew Gray Gubler with a passion as hot as the sun

-doesn't know why K Vangsness (Penelope Garcia) won't answer his love letters

-favorite authors - HP Lovecraft, EA Poe, Dean Koontz

-favorite state – Iowa