Things I Learned In The Hamptons and Abound

Things I Learned In The Hamptons and Abound

Freshly returned from a wonderfully awesome trip to The Hamptons, I have learned some valuable life lessons that I am prepared to pass along to you, dear internets. 
 
...and thanks for the great time Kathy-wathy and Jenny B you are both top drawer.  

Kathy-wathy is not helping to compose this post, but I am sure she will add her two cents. 
 
-Rudy Giuliani would be more aptly named Rude-y Douchie-ani.
-Long Island is where De Loreans go to die... or be reunited with their lost Flux Capacitors.

-You can’t mute Cold Play with rats.
-It does not matter how many different types of beer I try, I will never like it, and it will make me wretch. URG ACK ACK (**Warning rant to follow**) Seriously, how can this be fare?  I get so tired of being the typical sissy girl who can’t drink beer and has to have the “girlie drinks”.  If the world had cider on tap, I could feel just as normal as anyone else.  When I was in the UK, I could walk into any pub and order a cider and be looked at with some respect.  ….even seen as hardcore because cider is a BADASS drink.  Fuck you -Merica!  Long Live The Queen!
-Rants aside, I did go to a pretty cool beer brewery where I learned I still don’t like beer.
-Big Fucking Babies span every culture and religion.
- Ladies never sit vaj-acent to furniture while wearing skirts.
-If you want to manipulate Jenny B. into volunteerily sleeping on the couch and giving you the comfy-womfy spot in Kathy’s bed, ask her the following question, “Hey Jen, do you want the couch, or do you want to sleep vaj-acent to Kathy?”
-You can’t come to a compromise on the dept ceiling with rats.
-Every trip through the “Hollund Tonnel” is a special experience.
-Kathy-wathy is now an even more hardcore Decemberists fan than me because of her BADASS Decemberistsie Vespa tattoo.  How did that happen?

-Thanks to Stacy, I now refer to butter as “shame stick” in my head.
-You can’t substitute crime dramas with rats.
-Saying “Butt me, old sport.” is the new hip and cool (1920s) way of asking for a cigarette.
-It is  imperative that one always asks what kind of melon is included in the “seasonal melon dish” before committing to an order.
- There can only be one party car.  All other cars are “total Mr. Grundies”.

-18 year old deaf, sneezy kitties make for the best couch buddies.

-Big Fucking Babies be warned, Stacy carries mace.
-When going to an outdoor summer event, always apply sunscreen.  Why am I the only one who seems to know this?!!!?
-You can’t restore peace and love with rats.

-Creepy Vespa Baby Manikin is trying to secret Kathy a message...but what?

-If one Decemberists’ song could embody Jenny B, it would be “Chimbley Sweep”. She loves herself a good chimbley sweeping.
-No matter what happens, Kathy-wathy will always find an excuse NOT to get in the ocean.
-It doesn’t matter how many times you ask, The Mighty Lord of Death will NEVER do a Pretty Woman dress up montage for you.  ...and HEAVEN FORBID you mention his Fancy Pants.
-You can’t fight crime with rats.

-"Vajewels" are singularly the best and worst things from the goodie bags.

-Cold Play is not proper dinner music.
- Jenny B. is good to have around to be “the muscle” in any situation.
-Kathy-wathy’s sit-down-and-stay pills will always be better than mine.
-It seems one can only get great Pad Thia in Boston.  ...so sad.
-Everyone has his/her own special gift.  Mine is “Thrill Kill Liz”, Kathy-wathy is “The Imasculater”, and Jenny B. is “The Debbie Downer”.

-I can and will buy BADASS shoes.-No matter how great things are going, NEVER EVER trust a member of Team Awful!! They are always conspiring against you.

-Look at the BADASS shoes Kathy-wathy and I got and be amazed.

The Life and Times of the BFB

Dear Gracious Reader,

The regular rules do not apply to the following blog post. (When Kathy-Wathy and I are usually blogging together, I will type as normal and Kathy-Wathy’s words will be in all caps.)  The list below is a brainstorm of epic proportions compiled throughout the day… So read on, dear reader…

We never ever thought that our lives would be in danger at a Decemberists’ concert.  We have seen The Rolling Stones, been to an Ozzfest, and listened to a Bob Dylan concert in person, and yet it was at a Decemerists’ concert where for the first time we thought a brawl would actually erupt. One would expect to be putting his/her life at stake attending the first three events, but the last place we ever expected to be in mortal peril would be at a show featuring the band who penned such songs as “The Chimbley Sweep” and “My Mother Was a Chinese Trapeze Artist.” 

It all started with the opening band Best Coast.  They would have really been popular in the days of Hole and Courtney Love.  This major douche bag sitting in the row right in front of us got really pissed off when at least four rows in front of him some people were standing up talking.  Picture a brunet man about the same size and shape as The Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons only greasier and more foul smelling. He began yelling at the people to “sit the fuck down.”  Then, he began throwing things at them.  Everyone felt very awkward as this major douche threw a massive hissy-fit.  Someone from the concert venue actually had to talk to him about his behavior.  The people around him tried to point out his flawed logic and suggested that he might be over reacting.  This lead to “Mr. Douche Baggary” pouting for the whole of The Decemberists’ concert and refusing to stand, although everyone else in the venue was standing and enjoying the meat-candy that is one Mr. Colin Meloy.  It should be noted that Colin encouraged standing, jumping, and chair shaking.

This led us to wonder what life circumstances would lead a grown man to pout for the whole of a concert.  What follows below is what we affectionately call, “The Life and Times of the BFB… Big Fucking Baby.”

BFB LIFE STORY

-the two women with him at The Decemberists’ concert were actually his mom and sister

-lives with his mom, Bernice (“Just call me Bernie”) and stepdad, Ken. 

-real dad, Gene, lives in Cumberland, MD

-gets super pissed when Ken enters his basement layer without permission

-takes it personally that The Decemberists' limited edition poster for their Raleigh show actually listed the location as Raleigh Amphitheater in Cumberland, MD

-pissed to miss summer finale of Dr Who in order to see Decemberists

-wanted Decemberists to sing every song from "Picaresque" (especially "Eli the Barrow Boy")

-chip on his shoulder about how "Lost" ended

-still in shock over Jar Jar Binks

-is Team Jacob

-hated “Wolverine”

-saw all “Matrix” movies, and is pissed that the last one sucked

-pissed that Anna Paquin is no longer in “X-Men” and resents “True Blood” for taking her away.

-unsatisfied with “True Blood’s” explanation of Vampire day walkers

-takes issue with fact that JK Rowling came out after the fact saying Dumbledore was gay when clearly there was sexual tension with McGonogle

-feels Leonard Nimoy has never gotten credit he deserves as an artist because his reputation is sullied by Shatner's Priceline commercials and being in “Shit My Dad Says”

-unsatisfied by Twitter presence of his favorite comic book artists

-Dungeons & Dragons cloak ruined by dry cleaner, no longer fits, nothing to do with weight gain

-all the damsels at last Mideval Fair were mooning over that stupid show-off Lancelot

-Resents that "Queer Eye For the Straight Guy" never actually helped him get a chick

-wants to write Gilmore Girls fan fiction, disappointed in the lack of interest in this by the fan base

-banned from role play tweeting as John Locke

-pissed that sister ruined end of "Gilmore Girls" for him

-resents Obama wanted to see Osama death pics

-hates those Columbine douches for making it so he couldn't bring his kitana blade to school

-entire comic book collection only thing ruined by flood in basement

-is embarrassed when he has to drive Ken's Mercedes suv to meet eharmony dates at the Subway

-why do online romances always go awry when he mentions living with parents?

-plays Second Life, has an alt who is a furry

-in order to impress women he always breaks out his "realistic British accent"

-suspects his therapist doesn't take him seriously

-secretly watches “Sex and the City” when everyone's asleep. Thinks of himself as a “Samantha”

-suspects his mother no longer "accidentally" walks in when he is masturbating

-Aleksander Skaarsgard and Maksim Chmerkovsky are only men allowed in his spank bank

-identified with the shut in hacker in “Girl with Dragon Tattoo” series...thought Lisbeth should have ended up with him, instead of pining away for that “Calle fucking Blomqvist.”

-spank bank totally wiped out by Sony playstation hacking. Takes this personally

-thinks Stephen King is a sellout

-"totally got bombed" on some parsley someone sold him in high school. This is the extent of his drug experience

-used to identify with Danny in New Kids on the Block in elementary school

-thinks Jordan Catalano was a complete douche bag, identified with Brian Krakow.

-personally offended by James Franco

-watched one episode of “Freaks and Geeks.” Didn't get what the fuss was about.

-"What's Judd Apatow got that I haven't got?"

-drink of choice: Bartles & James

-wants own car simply so he can have vanity plate: Frak U

-has been to a furry convention

-speaks Klingon. Fluently.

-his Second Life avatar (main) is a pro wrestler

-he has dreams of joining his local semi pro wrestling league but is embarrassed by thick hair all over his body

-once attempted self-depilation with Nair and Nads, which only resulted in his pillaging of the family first aid kit and some permanent scarring

-his father’s nickname for him: "Meat"

-had never forgiven Kevin Smith for "Chasing Amy"

-thinks Ted Nugent "has some right on ideas"

-can't get over his failure to locate any Native Americans in his genealogy

-dies a little bit each time his sister's friends laugh at his wolf t-shirt

-only drinks Tuscan Whole Milk

-tries with all his might to groom facial hair into interesting shapes

-has a pet chinchilla named Wookie. It attacks him every time he tries to feed it

-when he was in kindergarten he got in trouble for telling the other kids the truth about Santa

-Stan Lee blew him off at Comicon

-will never get over The Decemberists’ failure to grant him a backstage pass

-would like a brand. Is afraid he would cry too much.

-instead likes to talk about elaborate body art he has planned. "the truth is out there." in Klingon.

-never got over David Ducovny's leaving "The X Files"

-is still a little afraid of the dark

-can't watch "Twin Peaks" alone, but has no friends so he just can't watch it unless his mom and sister are around.

-thinks he discovered putting mentos in soda 2 liters

-always insists on spelling things that end in -er with an -re cause that's how the British do it

-has seen "Braveheart" 100 plus times, feels sorry for Mel Gibson

-he always cries (in a good way!) at the end of "Dirty Dancing"

-feels self righteous that when he goes to the movies, he's the only one who stays till the end of the credits every time

-is a movie talker. Even though he has nobody to go to the movies with except his mom and his sister

-can't understand why nobody respects Cliff Claven

-still maintains Cliff should have gotten his own show instead of Fraser

-has a job delivering newspapers to stores and vending machines

-can't decide, and it keeps him up at night, which of Dr Who's companions is hotter: Amy Pond or Rose Tyler

-hates Matthew Gray Gubler with a passion as hot as the sun

-doesn't know why K Vangsness (Penelope Garcia) won't answer his love letters

-favorite authors - HP Lovecraft, EA Poe, Dean Koontz

-favorite state – Iowa

The Decemberists: Bearers of the Keys to Hell's Gate

A few weeks ago, Colin Meloy of The Decemberists tweeted a link to article posted below. The article from the website Conservapedia.com warns listeners of the dangers of The Decemberists’ music. Meloy sent his apologies to anyone who had unwittingly chosen “fleeting entanglement over true romance” or encountered any “pro-monarchist messages” as a result of listening to his music. I can not express to you the minutes I have spent in devilish giggles over this morsel of genius.

The Article is below. Read it now. Now, now, now!

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The Decemberists are an immoral, liberal, Indie-rock band from Portland, Oregon. Their members include Colin Meloy, Chris Funk, Jenny Conlee, Nate Query, and John Moen.[1] They played a concert for Barack Obama, and endorsed him for the presidency. [2] They are known for glorifying rape, suicide (most often by drowning, and some songs simply involve death by drowning, without suicide being involved[3]), and various other sinful acts in their music; the songs "We Both Go Down Together" (rape and double-suicide)[4], "The Landlord's Daughter/You'll Not Feel the Drowning" (rape and apparent homicide by drowning, in the respective parts of the song[5]), and the entire story arc of the latest album, "The Hazards of Love," is based around rape, intercourse, homicide, infanticide (although at least the character who so gleefully sings of his childrens' murders is the villain, although lead singer Meloy takes undue joy in the song) and the eventual double-suicide of the main characters by drowning[6]. Apparently they also suffer from a severe lack of originality, as well as a severe lack of morals.

When asked whether he felt his music could corrupt those who listened to by glorifying rape, homicide and suicide, leader singer Colin Meloy said that he "didn't care".

Decemberists Songs with Potentially Negative Influences

Mariner's Revenge: Glorifies obsessive revenge and murder.

July, July: Encourages fleeting entanglement over true romance.

Legionnaire's Lament: Encourages alcoholism.

We Both Go Down Together: Encourages rape against a unrequited love.

O Valencia!: Pro-gang message.

Yankee Bayonet: Glorifies the Confederate cause in the American Civil War.

Infanta: Pro-monarchist message.

Eli, the Barrow Boy: An anti-Christian and possibly Wiccan image of life after death.

While I understand that the person who wrote the above article is misguided and at times, misinformed as to the theme of some of the songs, I wish that I had written it … or at least could add to it. (The web page won’t let me without joining it.) I mean, I never realized I was listening to such dangerous and morally apprehensible music. This is the band that my cousin refers to as corduroy wearing, accordion playing tree huggers. I cannot believe that my immortal soul has been in such danger of being corrupted. Who Knew?

I simply cannot resist the urge to pick up the mantle of aforementioned misguided individual and look at more of The Decemberists’ catalogue for further hidden evils. I will do this an album at a time. Look! I have already completed two!

Five Songs

Oceanside: Encourages sexually promiscuous behavior in public places

Shiny: Encourages sexually promiscuous behavior in public places with carnies (Note: “with carnies” is said here in a shocked whisper.)

My Mother Was A Chinese Trapeze Artist: Anti-American, Pro communists, prostitution, and gambling themes and black market child sails

Angel, Won’t You Call Me?: Pagan themes that encourage groveling for the attentions of a loose woman

I Don’t Mind: Encourages apathetic attitudes embodied by gen-Xers who will undoubtedly lead to the ruin of America

The Apology Song: Glorifies irresponsible handling of the belongings of others

*********************************************************

Castaways and Cutouts

Leslie Anne Levine: More Anti-Christian, Wiccan images of life after death

Here I Dreamt I was An Architect: Encourages teenage premarital sex and reckless behaviors such not using seatbelts

July, July!: (already kindly critiqued by the geniuses at Conservapedia.com)

A Cautionary Song: Encourages children to think of their mothers as common street whores

Odalisque: More prostitution and glorifies unfit women as mothers

Cocoon: Peeping tom-mery and Anti-Christian images of life after death

Grace Cathedral Hill: Suggests that conservatives think that they can buy their ways into heaven and romanticizes depression as something men find sexy

The Legionnaire’s Lament: (already kindly critiqued the geniuses at Conservapedia.com)

Clementine: Use of casual cursing and encourages vagrancy

California One/ Youth and Beauty Brigade: Makes light shirking civic duties such as returning library books

This is for Me, Not You

It has been a long time since I have written on this thing… over a year long. My last entry was on the loss of a dear friend, while cathartic at the time, has turned into a stumbling block of sorts. I mean, how could I follow that up? Anything else seemed inane and insipid. I have at least five started entries saved in the annals of my blog banks: the begins of a list of my favorite words, there’s something about going to a Vanderbilt estate in Mass, but some how talking about my amblings at Emily Dickson’s house or my run in with the Kardashians just seems to fall short. Nothing has seemed worthy enough to go next. However, with my hopes of finding some a semblance of joy outside of work, which has been sucking it away in droves lately, I have decided to face the issue head on… address my elephant as it were. Writer’s block? … yes Uninspired? … yes

So here I am trying to prod myself into motion and remember what keeps me going. This blog was intended to be a place where I wrote about my amblings and turn them into humorous tales to share with friends who might be interested in what I am doing. It was more or less meant to be a something I enjoy writing from time-to-time and a chronicle of my life so that I can look back and remember when…ah. If someone else gets a chuckle from it, well mores the better.

Having said all of the above and getting it out of my system, I think that I am ready to get back to writing. Yes, I realize that this is a self-indulgent entry. Just ignore me as I move on.