Things I Learned In The Hamptons and Abound

Things I Learned In The Hamptons and Abound

Freshly returned from a wonderfully awesome trip to The Hamptons, I have learned some valuable life lessons that I am prepared to pass along to you, dear internets. 
 
...and thanks for the great time Kathy-wathy and Jenny B you are both top drawer.  

Kathy-wathy is not helping to compose this post, but I am sure she will add her two cents. 
 
-Rudy Giuliani would be more aptly named Rude-y Douchie-ani.
-Long Island is where De Loreans go to die... or be reunited with their lost Flux Capacitors.

-You can’t mute Cold Play with rats.
-It does not matter how many different types of beer I try, I will never like it, and it will make me wretch. URG ACK ACK (**Warning rant to follow**) Seriously, how can this be fare?  I get so tired of being the typical sissy girl who can’t drink beer and has to have the “girlie drinks”.  If the world had cider on tap, I could feel just as normal as anyone else.  When I was in the UK, I could walk into any pub and order a cider and be looked at with some respect.  ….even seen as hardcore because cider is a BADASS drink.  Fuck you -Merica!  Long Live The Queen!
-Rants aside, I did go to a pretty cool beer brewery where I learned I still don’t like beer.
-Big Fucking Babies span every culture and religion.
- Ladies never sit vaj-acent to furniture while wearing skirts.
-If you want to manipulate Jenny B. into volunteerily sleeping on the couch and giving you the comfy-womfy spot in Kathy’s bed, ask her the following question, “Hey Jen, do you want the couch, or do you want to sleep vaj-acent to Kathy?”
-You can’t come to a compromise on the dept ceiling with rats.
-Every trip through the “Hollund Tonnel” is a special experience.
-Kathy-wathy is now an even more hardcore Decemberists fan than me because of her BADASS Decemberistsie Vespa tattoo.  How did that happen?

-Thanks to Stacy, I now refer to butter as “shame stick” in my head.
-You can’t substitute crime dramas with rats.
-Saying “Butt me, old sport.” is the new hip and cool (1920s) way of asking for a cigarette.
-It is  imperative that one always asks what kind of melon is included in the “seasonal melon dish” before committing to an order.
- There can only be one party car.  All other cars are “total Mr. Grundies”.

-18 year old deaf, sneezy kitties make for the best couch buddies.

-Big Fucking Babies be warned, Stacy carries mace.
-When going to an outdoor summer event, always apply sunscreen.  Why am I the only one who seems to know this?!!!?
-You can’t restore peace and love with rats.

-Creepy Vespa Baby Manikin is trying to secret Kathy a message...but what?

-If one Decemberists’ song could embody Jenny B, it would be “Chimbley Sweep”. She loves herself a good chimbley sweeping.
-No matter what happens, Kathy-wathy will always find an excuse NOT to get in the ocean.
-It doesn’t matter how many times you ask, The Mighty Lord of Death will NEVER do a Pretty Woman dress up montage for you.  ...and HEAVEN FORBID you mention his Fancy Pants.
-You can’t fight crime with rats.

-"Vajewels" are singularly the best and worst things from the goodie bags.

-Cold Play is not proper dinner music.
- Jenny B. is good to have around to be “the muscle” in any situation.
-Kathy-wathy’s sit-down-and-stay pills will always be better than mine.
-It seems one can only get great Pad Thia in Boston.  ...so sad.
-Everyone has his/her own special gift.  Mine is “Thrill Kill Liz”, Kathy-wathy is “The Imasculater”, and Jenny B. is “The Debbie Downer”.

-I can and will buy BADASS shoes.-No matter how great things are going, NEVER EVER trust a member of Team Awful!! They are always conspiring against you.

-Look at the BADASS shoes Kathy-wathy and I got and be amazed.